I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
