so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
