do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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