Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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