just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
