I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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