6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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