my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
