Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
