i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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