that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
