farters have to be the big spoon...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
