someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
