Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
