Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
