you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
