I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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