my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
