I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I need to stop coming to work sober
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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