JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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