note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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