I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
