dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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