my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
