I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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