So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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