Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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