He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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