Yo dont text me then not text me
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
