I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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