I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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