having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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