you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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