got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
