Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
