I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
