Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
