I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
