she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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