so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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