this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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