Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
