Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
