why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
