I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
