I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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