I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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