good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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