How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
