naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my shit smells like andre
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
